Greener.

if you could go back and change your life- how much would you edit? what if it meant you wouldn't be where you are now? would it be worth it then? what if you could only change one thing? would you risk the rest of your already lived life to change that one thing? was it that bad???? and are all of us changing the bad? see, i'd like to be who i am now but at the age of 16 when i started fucking up. no cigs, no booze, and no drugs. though these things and the creatures i met during those times have made me who i am now. but who i am now is so frustrated and behind. so broke and kinda niggery sad. but yes, i would sell it all if i could be a better person and in a better place in my life now. as shitty as that seems- i wouldn't have chapped my families ass raw, no criminal record, no huge debt for a 26 year old. at my age if i had stayed in college when i was 20- i'd be graduated by now. making pretties and raking in the cash that amount to more than i get now...
but the grass always seems greener on the other side. and that's life, an illusion.

blockage

i try to imagine a world that wasn't infected by the 1960's. go back to the 50's and forget the hippy revolution. forget the beatles. maybe i'm fucking myself with this- maybe then music now days wouldn't be the same. no NIN, no UNKLE, no Massive Attack. but lets pretend that stays what we're getting rid of is this freedom and love and liberal bull shit that has infected the USA.
i want a world where we all still dress nice and our lawns and homes are beautiful looking. where this laziness hasn't occurred. we all shop and the local stores and everyone works. we care about our neighbors. etc.
i just feel like today we've taken the message of the 60's too far. we're too open and too accepting. we're too lazy. our politics are brain damaged. we're more concerned with accepting our neighbors and their "diversity" and as we look on them are children are getting ideas. we're learning from them too. they're not what made this country number one. they're the virus that kills our own integrity.
anyways..

no one asked but i'm gonna tell.

stereotypes are real and they're funny. i say this because of the whole "don't ask / don't tell" thing. one third of the already enlisted troops say they think gay's in the military would be bad for business. well, hahaha, depends on who gets in there.

my view and bottom line on all this: if guys and gals are going to be serving the military then ones sexual orientation shouldn't be an issue whether they're straight or gay. just don't talk about who you love or wanna fuk when you get back home. but we know that's never going to happen because straight men can be pigs. and so can gay men. and it's the stereotype that gay men hit on hot men whether they're straight or gay.

so; we have a problem then, don't we? what the thinking is here is that gay men will hit on straight men while being in the military? gay men will, what, stare at them in the shower or crawl into bed with them? gay men- don't cry- this is the stereotype that we've built for ourselves. blame our culture for that one. straight men- shame on you. your ego's are so inflated...

also, and no one cares about this but straight men have a way with talking about women and their sexual escapades that make gay men or religious men very uncomfortable. that's not a subject to discuss though because that's men's right, i guess. maybe there should be a don't ask / don't tell for all sexual orientations. if you're found talking about strippers and titties in the military then you're out like a gay man talking about cock 'n' balls. who will serve us then? fuck.

so, we've solved nothing here. just that men, straight or gay, are pigs that are always thinking about their penises. i guess there is no fix for this. gay men are being stereotyped which is kinda criminal and straight men are a lil worried. neither is fair. but serving in the military isn't about all this sex sex sex. that's American culture to blame right there. blame ourselves. blame the television, radio, our magazines- the media. frankly, i think everything will be just fine if gays served in the military. it's about war and honor.

note to no one.

ownership and greed / we're taught how to act. maybe sometimes it's true / you can't train without pain. i'm at a loss for i'm bored with my cards / these hours are made to feel unique. and how dare we act out and not follow code. we're all a part / we've all been bought and sold / slaves to the ideas of dead men. anymore we test our limits but none of us want to get rid of what we're comfortable with. it's easy to backside into the depths of ourselves and make camp. we're cheap and throw the word trust around like candy. it's lost it's flavour and i'm in doubt. trust no one / trust too many / i don't fukin' care. god tell me what to consume. tv speaks for me and i'm sick. malnourished. no one is looking after us and we're lost with our tom-toms. we have no signal and the world has ended as we know it. we're not plugged in / we're alone. i'm greed and i own a few. they all have rules that aren't the same. i'm owned and i hate the rules of those that don't pay. money greedy because the tv has told me this is what i need to be a whole. in god we've lost our trust. the cheapest word next to... is it love or hate? all three are cheap and new look but same great distaste. disgust. i love the words and i hate them but i own them and trust me, they're indispensable. have i lost the meaning behind each? the one who owns me or the many- he tells me the meaning. i smell bullshit. i smell mtv. i smell half-bred ideas that stand alone. a mixed race. the new day. a new nightmare. it's what we all are and we learn from the past but still burn it's bridges because there's more to life than this? always we want more. 20% more but same great low price. nothing is worth paying too much for. it doesn't matter anyways. we don't believe what we say. we're as lost as this note to no one.

No Country for Old Men: opening

...The crime you see now, it's hard to even take its measure. It's not that I'm afraid of it. I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job -- not to be glorious. But I don't want to push my chips forward and go out and meet something I don't understand.

You can say it's my job to fight it but I don't know what it is anymore. More than that, I don't want to know. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He would have to say, OK, I'll be part of this world....

The weak and sick. The moral standing of familiar grounds.

The lazy will win / as of now. Their parasitic approach sucks everything from everyone around them. The feeling is freezing to death.

The sick will win / as we all are. I see the reasons behind every one's lies. Blame our intelligence on our health. Blame everything on our health. We're not supposed to argue this point.

We've lain with the devil / our souls to harvest. The weak will win / as of now. Sell your soul, it's easier than working for it.

This is the moral of those around me. This is the poison I'm introduced.

I wish I had the lack of motivation and lack of intelligence to be so frozen. They all seem so happy in their filthy world that's falling apart. They don't seem to notice and care. They blame everyone around them - they're always victims and I'm always the bad guy. I like being the bad guy then.

Give me energy to warm upon.
Give me a shot / a boost / a clear view.

I will not lie down and die. If I'm to freeze I'm going to do it standing, fighting, shouting, kicking, etc....

My thoughts are frozen from a lack of vocabulary. And the fear I can't spell the word correctly. Sometimes I'm so far off and wrong spell checker only laughs it's cruel laugh and I freeze. I'm the victim of my education. Maybe I can play it off. Help me, I'm sick. Help me, spell checker is a big meany. Believe me when I say I'm hurt and I need your hand to hold. I'm weak. I'm sick. I'm under educated by the system of liars.

Fuck me, I'm sick.

We'll wish, we never asked for this.

That old saying "Be careful what you wish for" is biting us in the ass. We all asked for a safer and open society and we got it. But now we're witnessing the lack of morals. Our youth is probably doomed. So then is our future. I'm talking about us, americans. I've never liked what we've made for ourselves. Too much self loathing and so fake fake fake. English is our second language now. We're too busy talking ghetto, talking shit, smack, whatever else. Maybe I'm just mad because I was never cool enough to fit in and understand this world I'm in. Poor lil Nikolas William, born in the country with good parents that didn't let me grow up so brain washed by the television and popular music. And they, my parents, tell me it's made me smarter. But back just a few years ago I was still so desperate to find somewhere to fit in. It was like mental suicide. It was all that poison, those drugs and them drinks I thought would bring me closer to people and closer to enlightenment. I mean that's what I kept seeing and hearing and hell I liked it. In the end it nearly destroyed me and I remembered that maybe we can't have anything til we've lost everything. So I destroyed it all and here I am now. A gay republican. I've awaken in a land that's trashed and my gay ass wants everything pretty. These pop culture creatures all around me with their lack morals and ignorance. These trash creatures having welfare babies too fast. They're, the welfare babies, are choking up the schools. These are the same kids that are babysitted by the television while mom and dad drink and drug in the other room of their trailer and make new welfare babies. Those ignorant resentful welfare babies... Public school in any town USA are ticking time bombs. USA is no longer apple pies and baseball games- it's monkeys in baggy clothing smoking crack and beating hookers. Everything to the extreme. Excess.
And all this we allowed. Through our guilt and shame and our revenge on our parents and their parents before. Every generation believes they're the best. And every generation makes steps to being the last. Maybe we'll destroy America and build something better, maybe we'll learn from our mistakes.

The Lesson

the idiot child, that i lived with by the sea, i always told him he'd drown in the great la mer.
but our love was always about power. i guess he'd won but this story isn't about that.
in a lot of ways i was jealous of his seemingly lack of good judgement. i'd imagine his head was made of air, a bobble head, an air device. too bad it wasn't- he wouldn't have drown then.
i don't know how we had gotten to the point where we couldn't stand each other, it seemed to have been over night.
anyways, it was my plan to lead him to the sea. it was only supposed to be a warning. i guess life isn't perfect. now, with a house of memorabilia, i don't know if i could explode or just join him.
it isn't so much grief as it's disappointment and annoyance. we never even tried to be friends. always opposite. and i killed him. well, the sea killed him but you know what i mean.
i never really loved him, just loved the struggle, but you know what i mean. like, i never wanted to hurt him, just prove to him that for once what i said was true. and it was but i didn't want it like this.
you know what i mean?
the lesson, last i'll ever teach.

Shame

and today in america- we shame ourselves. when i go online and read stuff posted by people i feel bad. i think these are my neighbors and this is the future.
america has become a fat. lazy land of free hand outs and destroyes the moral core we once held. where's our pride? we can't pride ourselves unless we're apart of some opressed minority or extrem religious following. i pride myself for who i am not what you can label me. i could careless about social labels. we should all just be happy as labeled "American". i could say more but that's too racist. look at me while i walk tall. a white privileged american brat. not privileged by money, not privileged by looks- privileged by freedom.
once upon a time i was a mess that felt owed. i labeled myself all sorts of things. i was such a mess. and all i did was create debt and destruction. bad habbits. and then i woke up and burned my shadow.
don't label yourself and don't stereotype yourself. look around you at this dirt and destruction of our land. look at the stretched out morals. look at the insanity. there's a difference of black and white. when you mix them everything gets all grey and our country is looking at a grey shallow grave.
no, be quiet, don't listen to them. those weak people fighting for ours and not making progress. lets burn it all down. when your grass gets too choked with dead blades and dead leaves and all that dead weight you burn it. and it grows back. beautiful and efficient. we hunt deer so those idiots don't over populate themselves and destroy the eco.
why then can't we burn the dead weight of america and hunt the weak to stop over population and destruction?
save your childrens future and burn a ghetto. hunt some losers. you know, just expolde a dive bar or something. hunt some crack heads and dope heads. enslave some hippies. fuk it, string up everyone on unemployment that simply aren't looking for jobs and are living of the government vein. sell the children of poor white trash and dumb niggers to rich people who would educate and properly culture them. abort the children of people under a certain income level and those that can't pass an IQ test with certain points.
anyways, i'm spent. to return again some day

Coffee and Cigarettes

Taking over for the former Nikolas / William, which the original intentions where for design. This will be more of a mixed bag.